In the 5.5 weeks since I got around to accepting a marriage proposal, I’ve found myself chatting both online and offline with other engaged women. In that short time frame, I’ve been both pleasantly surprised and horribly shocked.
I’m impressed by the growing number of brides who aren’t forcing ugly bridesmaid dresses on their attendants. I’m impressed by couples who take every possible extra step to make sure all of their guests with special needs are accommodated. I’m definitely impressed by the growing popularity of decent veg*n menu options at non-veg*n weddings.*
I’m horrified by the proliferation of couples who bad-mouth small, independent vendors for not being able to cheapen high-end goods or services (it is SO RUDE to ask someone to take a pay cut, especially in this economy). I’m horrified by the number of brides who are upset by their grooms’ sudden bad behavior (whether it’s cheating, slovenliness, or suddenly criticizing everything they do) but don’t either insist he go to counseling or leave him (a divorced friend of mine will tell you marrying the wrong person is much, much worse than calling off a wedding). I’m horrified when anyone gets mad at a newly-pregnant relative or friend for “stealing” their thunder (even if accidents didn’t happen, it’s unreasonable to expect everyone else to plan their lives around one’s wedding).
Mostly, I’m horrified by a sort of greedy behavior that seems to be especially common among brides.
I’ve encountered brides who are lucky enough to receive a relative’s ring, then freak out upon discovering that the stone isn’t worth as much as they thought – or even a fake. Instead of reminding such brides that they were lucky enough to find the right person, lucky enough to get engaged, and lucky enough to be given a ring with sentimental value, the prevailing sentiment often seems to be “Bad groom! What’s wrong with him?! He owes you a REAL ring right now!” (And by “real ring”, they tend to mean a big diamond. Do these women have any idea how much a 2-carats-or-more natural diamond costs?!)
It’s sickening.
There is nothing wrong with WANTING a big, valuable ring. It is, however, decidedly tasteless to DEMAND one.
Diamonds are expensive (in part because their value is inflated). More than a few couples have student loans, car payments, house payments, child support and/or alimony from previous relationships, etc. Is it really so bad to start off with a synthetic diamond (i.e. Moissanite) and upgrade to a natural stone later? (Or, for that matter, just keep the Moissanite because they’re always conflict-free, completely flawless, and greener than mining a new diamond?) My parents couldn’t afford nice rings when they got married. They bought what they could afford, and have both upgraded their rings since then. I call that good common sense.
I’ll never forget the time I went to the jewelers’ with my dad to pick up Mom’s Mother’s Day present. Dad and “Ernest,” the jeweler, decided it would be a great opportunity to teach me how to spot a valuable diamond. “Someday some boy is going to give you a diamond, sweetie, and you’ll want to know whether it’s worth accepting or not,” my dad insisted.
To which I replied, “Dad, I don’t care about diamonds! I like colored stones. And if I ever accept a diamond from a guy it’ll be because I love him! And in case you forgot, I’m FOURTEEN! I don’t need to know this stuff yet!”
Dad immediately backed down. Ernest didn’t take it personally. In fact, Dad’s kind of embarrassed by it now. Fourteen is, after all, an awfully young age to teach your daughter how to spot a big spender.
Incidentally, according to Ernest, the average straight male knows very little about jewelry unless he’s in the trade or the Mafia. Most jewelers know that buying an engagement ring is something most people do only once in their lives, and there are unscrupulous jewelers who will gladly unload a badly flawed stone upon a buyer who doesn’t know any better if they get the chance. Why get mad at your lover for buying a ring he (or she) honestly believed was worth its asking price?
It isn’t the value of an engagement ring that matters. The sentiment and promise behind it are what matters.
Strictly speaking, it isn’t even necessary to have an engagement ring! Some brides happily accept cars, vintage guitars, or other gifts instead. In fact, the first guy who asked me to marry him gave me the bracelet his late great-grandmother gave him on her deathbed. It was a fairly simple 1940s design in sterling silver with no stones of any kind and it would have fetched about $10 if I’d sold it for scrap, but it floored me far more than a $35,000 rock would have. (It’s true that I turned him down, but that was because we wouldn’t have been a good long-term match. For one thing, the guy ate a ton of meat…)
I have even heard tales of brides who become engaged to men they don’t really love just so they can have a diamond. What the hell? This is the 21st century – I say if you want a diamond so badly, save your money and buy it yourself instead of expecting a man to hand you one.
Lest anyone think this is sour grapes, I have owned diamond jewelry (in fact, I received a ring with diamond chips for my ninth birthday). I no longer do, having sold it all after finding out how unethical diamonds can be. I’ll inherit my grandma’s and mom’s jewelry when they go, but it’s going straight into a bank vault in case my brother ever has children who might want it someday.
I accepted my fiancé’s proposal because I love him, not because he gave me a ring. Before he bought it, I told him that I didn’t expect him to buy something that was beyond his budget (he has grad-school loans, and his visa is going to cost a few thousand dollars). I love the ring he gave me, but if I ever get sick of it, so what? We can always upgrade. (Though, truthfully, we’d both rather spend the money on traveling.)
It’s true that flashy engagement rings can be very pretty, and it can be fun to show them off, but having a good, loving relationship is priceless. The ring is just a bauble.
*BTW, if any omnivorous brides are reading this: if you have a veggie option at the reception, please put it on the menu instead of having it as a silent option. Many vegetarians are uncomfortable with asking for special accommodation and won’t know to request a vegetarian meal if they don’t know one is already available. Also, some omnivores might actually prefer the veggie option.